Have you ever seen those movies or shows about a family of circus people? And the one kid in the family doesn’t want to be a part of the circus?

That’s kind of what it’s like. Except, it’s not a circus. It’s just a family.

I feel so trapped. 

It’s like a high school. There’s drama, there’s fighting, there’s profanity. There’s bitches, there’s assholes, there’s people talking about other’s behind their backs. 

But then sometimes, when the principal walks in, we’re able to put on smiles and joke around and all have a good time. 

But as soon as they’re gone, it’s back to what it was before.

And then there’s the one who never did anything wrong, and you two never get into arguments. You’re the friends of the group. 

But even they can’t help.

Because there is no stopping to the constant pain.

There’s no end to the fighting. There’s no solution to the problem.

And so the acrobat is still walking the tight rope every night, as it gets thinner, and thinner..

as she looks for a way out. Any way out.

But there never is one.

And eventually, her tight rope might break. But we’ll never know for sure. 

So everyone smile! And hope for the best. Because hey! The Circus is in town!

…Exciting, isn’t it?

Sometimes, things are just too broken to be fixed. 

And it’s sort of sad. No, it’s really sad actually.

Because it’s not like, while it’s happening, we’re thinking “Wait—but what if this falls apart? There will be no putting it back together.”

No. 

We just think about that moment. About how mad we are. Or how upset. And we start thinking back about all of the terrible things that have happened. And we think about every other time we’ve been mad at this person, or a different person, for this same reason. And all of the anger and sadness we have ever had, well, it all builds up. And then, that’s it.

We do things…

We say things…

that make everything worse. It makes you feel better for a second, well not even, maybe like a millisecond. You think, “wow, it feels great to let it all out.” 

And then it hits you, that whatever you just did, might have seriously cost you everything you have been trying to keep together for so long.

All the fights you’ve put up with.

All the things you’ve put aside.

Everything.

It was all a waste, because it all fell to the ground and smashed to pieces.

And once something like this happens, you go somewhere by yourself. You get away from it all. And then everything just gets worse. 

You’re upset about everything from the past. You’re upset about what just happened. And you’re upset about how you handled it.

But no matter what, it doesn’t matter. Because it’s all been thrown away anyway. There’s no fixing it, you can try all you want but it will never be completely how it was before.

And you sit to yourself, and you just think, that no matter what, you just completely ruined absolutely everything. But it wasn’t even your fault. Except, it was. You were driven to it, yes, but it was in fact your own actions that made it unmistakably over. 

It’s like knocking over a vase and then gluing it back together. Sure, it’s still together, but it will never be everything that it was before. Just a bunch of pieces forcefully stuck together because you don’t know what would happen if each piece was separated. 

And like the shards of glass glued into one piece again, but with holes and places that will never be repaired…

some things are just too broken to fix. Ever.

And sadly, that’s the way they have to stay.